It must be a phenomenon of the modern world. My 36 year old neighbor is ripped at me. I still don’t know why, because he refuses to tell me. He deigned to inform me a couple of days ago that “I am very angry with you!” Since then he only turns his back to me, refuses to look at me, won’t answer me when I greet him. My lack of serious begging is probably not helping him recover from his anger . . . in fact is most likely contributing to his anger. Now this fellow is educated, wealthy, an engineer who owns his own business . . . is obnoxious, arrogant, full of himself, an expert in every subject, omniscient, more capable than all others, trusts no one and is childish beyond belief (a typical man for the most part).
His current anger seems to stem from a tiny incident that happened last week, when the National Church president of the Macedonian Evangelical churches came over with his wife for supper. As usual there was a shortage of parking, so I told him to park his Toyota between our house and the house of my man/child neighbor. And in typical macedonian style, the prez pulls the Yoda right up on the sidewalk . . . and man/child went ballistic. Now before you get all in a snit about the prez parking on the sidewalk, you need to know that the WHOLE COUNTRY parks on the sidewalk! People walk in the streets here, because cars are parked on the sidewalks. This is the normal course of life here. There is no place in this entire country where you can freely walk on the sidewalks, because they are packed full with cars. This is normal for Macedonia. So man/child’s ballistic reaction is not rooted in any form of reality. In fact, he is the same person who called the chinese guys down the street those “stinking yellow chinese” last week (see previous post), all because they too park on the sidewalk . . . as does the entire country.
This is the sum total of my interaction with the man/child for the last two weeks, except when he told me he was very angry with me a couple of days ago. Now every time I try to muster a serious response to his anger I crack up, because it is so much like dealing with one of my children when they were like 3-4 years old and got angry with me and said, “Daddy, I am not talking to you any more.” This situation has less substance than that. And so it is difficult to be serious about his squabble with me.
I have been dealing with this man/child for the last two years, and this is the first time I have been able to enjoy my balcony without being instructed about how I paid too much for firewood, or how untrustworthy the neighbors are, or how bread is 1 cent cheaper if I would drive all the way across town, or how everyone is corrupt, or how I need to buy this certain brand of coffee, or how I need to tell my landlord this or that -- all yelled out in English (sort of) across the hedges that separate the two properties, while everyone in the neighborhood listens carefully. You can understand Mecken’s comment after two years of this - “Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”
So I have to admit the silence is golden . . . so much so I almost don’t want him to get over his snit with me, because then I (and everyone who visits us) will have to listen to his patronizing overbearing pompous diatribes again. I won’t be able to grill in peace! But then again, someone has to be adult in this situation and find out why man/child is upset, and then do whatever is necessary to make it right again (in his eyes). Right?
I don’t know. That certainly is the “American Christian” thing to do, but here . . . I wonder if that will diminish me in the eyes of the rest of the neighborhood (with whom we have excellent friendships and relationships), because they can’t stand this guy much either. As much as possible, be at peace with your fellow man Paul tells us. The way that is phrased in English never gives us a clue when enough is enough, even when you did nothing wrong in the first place. I think I will do some research before I grovel or some christian thingy like that.
His current anger seems to stem from a tiny incident that happened last week, when the National Church president of the Macedonian Evangelical churches came over with his wife for supper. As usual there was a shortage of parking, so I told him to park his Toyota between our house and the house of my man/child neighbor. And in typical macedonian style, the prez pulls the Yoda right up on the sidewalk . . . and man/child went ballistic. Now before you get all in a snit about the prez parking on the sidewalk, you need to know that the WHOLE COUNTRY parks on the sidewalk! People walk in the streets here, because cars are parked on the sidewalks. This is the normal course of life here. There is no place in this entire country where you can freely walk on the sidewalks, because they are packed full with cars. This is normal for Macedonia. So man/child’s ballistic reaction is not rooted in any form of reality. In fact, he is the same person who called the chinese guys down the street those “stinking yellow chinese” last week (see previous post), all because they too park on the sidewalk . . . as does the entire country.
This is the sum total of my interaction with the man/child for the last two weeks, except when he told me he was very angry with me a couple of days ago. Now every time I try to muster a serious response to his anger I crack up, because it is so much like dealing with one of my children when they were like 3-4 years old and got angry with me and said, “Daddy, I am not talking to you any more.” This situation has less substance than that. And so it is difficult to be serious about his squabble with me.
I have been dealing with this man/child for the last two years, and this is the first time I have been able to enjoy my balcony without being instructed about how I paid too much for firewood, or how untrustworthy the neighbors are, or how bread is 1 cent cheaper if I would drive all the way across town, or how everyone is corrupt, or how I need to buy this certain brand of coffee, or how I need to tell my landlord this or that -- all yelled out in English (sort of) across the hedges that separate the two properties, while everyone in the neighborhood listens carefully. You can understand Mecken’s comment after two years of this - “Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”
So I have to admit the silence is golden . . . so much so I almost don’t want him to get over his snit with me, because then I (and everyone who visits us) will have to listen to his patronizing overbearing pompous diatribes again. I won’t be able to grill in peace! But then again, someone has to be adult in this situation and find out why man/child is upset, and then do whatever is necessary to make it right again (in his eyes). Right?
I don’t know. That certainly is the “American Christian” thing to do, but here . . . I wonder if that will diminish me in the eyes of the rest of the neighborhood (with whom we have excellent friendships and relationships), because they can’t stand this guy much either. As much as possible, be at peace with your fellow man Paul tells us. The way that is phrased in English never gives us a clue when enough is enough, even when you did nothing wrong in the first place. I think I will do some research before I grovel or some christian thingy like that.
8 comments:
Sometimes enough is enough, even for Christians. This morning a friend at the National Office shared something she heard Joyce Meyer say on the radio: "If you want to live a life of peace and contentment, you have to get rid of the stress in your life. Sometimes that means saying no to people [or in your case, avoiding the source of the stress], and sometimes those people will get mad at you. But so what?"
Those words really ministered to me today, because I had just decided to free myself of a source of ongoing stress, and my decision caused someone I love to go ballistic and behave like a child (and this woman/child is a fellow believer to boot).
I confess I was tempted to do the so-called "Christian thingy" and grovel, but the dear ladies in my Christian accountabiliy group (who are NOT women/children) counseled me not to.
Sometimes we have to protect ourselves and even others (such as the neighbors you are good friends with) from toxic people (I read this in an excellent book called "Faith that Hurts, Faith that Heals"). Several years ago, my sister-in-law had to cut all ties with her verbally abusive father because the stress was almost destroying her. I guess what it boils down to is that you need to decide if trying to restore the relationship with the man/child is worth the added stress in your life and in the lives of those around you. A healthy measure of prayer wouldn't hurt either! :)
Yikes! I just noticed that I wrote "accountabiliy" instead of "accountability." And I'm supposed to be an editor! How could I have let this happen??
Love the post!! Might I suggest a rather fun and slightly vindictive course of action. Talk to him as if nothing is wrong as much as possible since he clearly doesn't want to talk to you.
I'm not sure if that would be sin or not, but it could be fun.
Oh my . . . you two are dangerous for me . . . encouraging me to be me! Julie and John, my heros!
Aw, gee...
You may be encouraged to hear that the woman/child apologized for overreacting. She admitted that she had jumped to conclusions, and the relationship has been restored. God is good!
And how's this for a man/child story: A little girl who lives in my apartment complex was confiding in me that her parents' furniture was stolen out of the common storage shed. As she was telling me this, another tenant, a man in his 50s, approached and said, "That's right! I took your furniture and threw it in the dumpster. Do you know why? Because someone threw my couch in the dumpster. And if I can't have my couch, on one else can have their furniture!" Naturally, he had no idea who had discarded his couch, but that didn't seem to matter. I wondered what would happen if someone ever smashed in his windshield. Would he go around smashing every windshield in the parking lot?
May the Holy Spirit give us wisdom and discernment in dealing with the men/women children in our lives!
Whoa Nellie!! Now that is a serious case of man/child disease! Holy Smokes! You better guard your couch and pooch too. Your story totally is worse than mine!
Glad to hear that woman/child grew up a bit. That is encouraging news. Heck if I had a nickle for every time I have had to apologize to my wife or kids, I would replace Bill Gates at the top of the Fortune 500 list. D
I like John's idea to talk as if nothing is wrong and I don't think that's necessarily impudent. I once had to work with a co-worker (not here) who had a chip a mile wide and I just persistently smiled at her and said good morning (but didn't try for more than simple pleasantries) and something like two years later she was consistently greeting me every morning. We never became friends but I didn't suffer any of her unpleasantness either.
But then again I'm also reminded of a DS I admire who tells a story of a woman who completely behaved like a child in public while proclaiming she was a Christian. I have never forgotten his response to her - in my list of usable lines: "Ma'am, if in any way I have offended you, I am truly sorry."
And then a chapel speaker yesterday spoke of needing work through spiritual attack issues when neighbors are consistently awful, since obviously that is being used to drain us of energy.
Best to you as you work through all this!
I love your wonderfully gracious advice, astrogirl! Apologizing does tend to have a disarming effect on people.
By the way, the man-child in my apartment complex has hit the road, so to speak. He got in trouble with the landlady for calling the cops on his neighbors way too many times, usually for no good reason. Every time he made a false police report, the landlady got fined. The most recent fine was for $1,200 and apparently she hit the roof. I didn't shed tears when he left. The other neighbors celebrated by pulling out his wife's flowerbed. Guess he wasn't the only man-child in the complex!
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