This is a heart blog . . .
Much of the missionary kid boarding school philosophy is built upon two erroneous presuppositions; one that kids at home hinder ministry, two that the task is more important than the kids themselves (although the later one is framed in much milder language generally, e.g. that the task of world evangelism is so important than everyone must make sacrifices, etc, etc).
Now granted, my parent organization finally came into the 20th century and offers their missionaries multiple mk educational options . . . now, but that is a recent innovation. But back in the not so recent past, we were required to send our kids to boarding school . . . under the pretense of it being the best decision for the kids. The reality was that the view at the top of our leadership pinnacle was that kids got in the way of missionaries working hard . . . and honestly, they do.
That's right, they do. You can't work 72-80 hour weeks when you have kids at home. But seriously, this blog is not about the culpability of my parent organization in requiring us to send our little six year old first graders to boarding school two time zones away. This blog is a recrimination of the parents that allowed this behavior to be foisted on their families and especially on their children. I am upset wih me, not the CMA.
I am upset with my acceptance of a missiology, ecclesiology, theology and eschatology than believes that the sacrifice inflicted upon families for the sake of evangelizing and church planting is more important than the families themselves.
I am upset with my weakness of character that allowed my obviously notreadyforboardingschool child be shipped out to boarding school at the age of six years old. He was back home by the half way point of the year . . . and we were home on early home assignment by that summer, because something was clearly defective in Brenda and I as parents since we had a child who was not boarding school friendly. The mission was right, we were defective . . . not because my child did not suceed at boarding school, but because I allowed him to go when he was so clearly not ready. Bad parenting Dave!
I am upset that I exchanged their childhoods for the cause. Now I will say the cause has value . . . but it is not worthy (often) of the price it extracts. Their childhoods are gone forever. The Cause will always be here, its like the poor in the New Testament - always with us.
Most of all I regret that they had to move so often, go to so many different schools, have so few stable relationships in their lives. What a loss. Yes they did make some gains . . . but the verdict remains out on the value of those potential gains, while the losses pile up.
My painfully learned wisdom to those who would like to learn from my mistakes, is do what is right for your child, not what is right for your organization or the cause.
11 comments:
Our problem is that we don't know what's best for our kids.
When we went to the Philippines I told our son, who was beginning elementary school, that we wouldn't go if had had resentments or great difficulty with the fact that he had to be in boarding school for 8-9 months a year.
We ended up having two children attend boarding school — and I think they both regard those years as wonderful experiences. Far better than what they faced in America upon their return.
Can we trust God to help us make the right decision about these things — and to protect our children from whatever decisions we make?
I'm just thinking....
That's a pretty mountainous generalization you open this blog with, David. Maybe I'm just ignorant and unaware of the history, but in our more recent experience (and understanding of that past) we have never once felt any twinge of a feeling of leadership that wishes our kids out of our way so we can minister. good grief! How do you support that?
We have seen completely the opposite - most of our leadership have gone through the struggle of sending kids to boarding school and know the blessings and challenges of that. Yes, we cried this week when we sent our girls back to Germany, but even as I asked God why we have to go through this experience He reminded me of the many times I've thanked Him for the lives He has given our children and ourselves. Rather than seeing the losses of...whatever...I see the incredible richness of our kids' experiences - the "family" they have gained, the friendships they have forged and learned to enjoy to the full even knowing that friends are as transitory as anything else in this life. They have gained that understanding of what is eternal and what is transitory, they have gained a knowledge and experience of God their Father in personal ways that would never have happened if we had stayed in our white picket fences all together nice and happy in the States. Honestly we are a happier family this way - not happy that we miss the day-to-day doings, but happy that we have deep and open relationships that many families in our home country envy, that we communicate easily, that we can talk through what God is teaching each of us in our own unique and distinct lives. So far - and obviously it remains to be seen how they'll see their childhoods when they're adults - but so far all of our kids would choose being MKs in boarding school over anything resembling normal American life - hands down, no question.
Oh I could go on. :-) But I'll spare you. I agree it's hard - it's hard for us and hard for you, and I've been praying for you and for Brenda as you do your last goodbyes today. It's just hard. And I'm sure God is collecting those tears. May He protect your kids and cause rich fruit in their lives.
In response to Patricia, perhaps you are younger than David and he is thinking primarily of an earlier time. I think it was almost universally true in earlier decades that every missionary or pastor in every denomination was expected to put The Work ahead of their families. (I say pastor because they make sacrifices too albeit more of the fishbowl variety and less of geographical separation.) I feel almost embarrassed to have been unscathed by this, but I think my parents were unusual among their peers and in their era, that they made every effort to find a work station near enough to commute to schools, for most of their years.
But I too remember joking with a friend about The Work - always pronounced in Capital Letters in our parents' conversations which we overheard. Thankfully, I cannot ever remember hearing either of my parents tell me that they had no time to talk to me or play with me - something I wish I could say is true of my own parenting.
David, what do your kids feel about all this, if you can share that?
As for me, I am still struggling with leaving my kids at school (a couple of miles away), or at home with their dad, while I pay for their roof and bread. I regularly question whether I'm doing the right thing and how I can better balance my responsibilities. And I try never to ask my husband "So, what did you do all day?" knowing full well the extreme difficulty of getting much of anything done with 1-2 children in the house.
Millions of working mothers go through the same conflict to some degree, although we do get to go home and see the kids every night, instead of a few times a year.
I cannot even fathom the conflict and agony of your situation and respect you for all your grappling with this.
Another MK in my building just loaned me a book "Third Culture Kids" (Pollock/Van Reken). Although my experience, as I have said, was almost embarrassingly free of heartache (thanks to my wonderful parents) still I can relate to some of the unique challenges and differences of other TCKs. You should definitely read that book if you haven't. In fact everyone who is or works with or supports or cares about a missionary should read it.
Oh, I wish I were younger than David :-) We sent three first-graders away, two by necessity and one by choice, but God works in each family in such distinct and unique ways I can't even compare to David having to send one away knowing it wasn't the right time. I'm so thankful that we have a choice this year, because our fourth first-grader is at home and definitely not ready for boarding school.
What I really need to say, though, is a big apology to David - you stated right at the top of this that this was a heart blog, and I feel I walked all over it. Regardless of experiences and surmises, this is a difficult week emotionally, and I didn't help any. Forgive me, colleauge ours.
There is no mountainous generalization here. I have actually heard, with my own ears, a past RD of the CMA state "children hinder ministry." Again, the blog was a recrimination of me, not the CMA. I am responsible for my children, not the CMA. I just learned that too late.
So would you ever consider homeschooling now? or do you feel it's too late and your kids wouldn't want that? tons of people do homeschool through highschool but obviously that's a different ball game than younger.
so how can you turn that regret into a positive thing for your kids? do they feel it was a mistake as well?
You don't have to answer any of those of course :-)
Hey Beth: Sorry I did not answer you earlier. My kids are fine with boarding school . . . it's the only thing they have ever known. Why would they have a problem with it? It's me that struggles with it. Brenda herself went to boaridng school as a kid in Africa and she thinks of it as normal too. I am the only one in my family that thinks it strange :-(
Bummer.
I can sort of relate . . . I'm the only one in my family who thinks it's normal to sit around the dinner table instead of watching a video over dinner
Wow Beth. I can't really imagine that. I guess we get so little time together, that meal time is fairly serious talk time in our house . . . liberally laced with comments about how awesome a cook Brenda is :-) I don't think Brenda would allow us to watch a video after she cooked for us! Of course we make exceptions duirng world cup soccer, but that is about all. Thanks for sharing Beth, every family has their challenges, no matter where there are and no matter what they do for a living. Blessings, D
For Freckle-killer, Thanks so much for being willing to express yourself in this way. Honestly, I don't disagree with your dad as much as it seems - I just have to breathe deeply for about 24 hours before I even think about responding. :-)
What you wrote is helpful to me. I really do see the down-side of the MK world...but I have to be a "glass half-full" person or die of despair. I already see in one of our girls the "non-emotion" and consciously try to get her to figure out what she's feeling about something. I wish I could help all our kids work through the challenges of MK life even before they will bring stress! But I can see I'm going to have to let God do that in His time...I will do what I can, though, along the way, to see if that stress can be lessened.
You are my hero, and I feel for you as you go through the hard work of understanding how your first 18 years will direct the next 81.
Thanks for the coffee, by the way. ;-)
I'd love to continue this conversation via e-mail, if you have interest, instead of talking on Dr D's phone line, so to speak. Obviously I can learn much from you.
I think kids are best left in the home of the parents. Now it does become necessary to send them on their way to become adults. But what does that look like?
I would be hard pressed to say that it looks like boarding school. I mean have we ever seen a good movie or read a good book about boarding school? A Separate Peace - the boy dies, Dead Poet Society- a young man kills himself. I mean even our entertainment does not see these places as being good.
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